I am a toxic boss survivor

After tweeting about black lives matter, after conversations about the realities of race with my children and husband, I could not stop but ask myself.

I was racially profiled by a toxic boss. Why haven’t I ever shared this experience?

Tell me why….

You can file this under… I have been detoxing and getting her racist comments and treatment out of my head.

I know that it’s hard but you have to try…

Indians are dirty. India is so dirty. I was there 20 years ago. I heard not much has changed. You guys are never structured.

Her words. Not mine.

Say what?!!!

First, I was in disbelief. My mind was determined to think that this was not racial profiling. I made excuses for her.

Oh, she didn’t mean it.

I must not have heard it correctly.

Yeah, but no one around us reacted, so it must be OK.

By the time I gathered courage to ask her what she meant, I thought it was too late.

It was not. Her words were followed by actions that signified her thoughts. My projects started to get shelved. When I took initiative on my #1 objective, it was seen as a threat. She lied about my work to the C-suite. She lied to my colleagues, asking them not to work with me. Her emails were constant reminder of her words, “Shweta, you are Indian. You have no structure.”

Kill. me. now…

I struggled to work between her falsehoods and recognition from colleagues far and wide.

This is what I learned

A toxic boss can suck the life out of you, make you doubt who you are, what you stand for, what you brought to the table that was truly yours. We live in a world where toxic bosses are in existence because in some way we enable them. We tip-toe around them. They finger point, we believe. We point out their toxicity, we are called naive.

We see them bully, but we call it “leadership.”

How I survived

I left.

I started writing a journal for the sole purpose of reminding myself of her actions. This way I wouldn’t allow my brain to make any more excuses. I know myself (too well). One day, I will get the courage to share more.

I networked. I interviewed for jobs. Made mistakes in those interviews. Many interviews later, I realised that I had to replace her words with those that lift me up. So I connected with family and former colleagues who knew my worth and loved my work. Eliminated everyone who had a toxic vibe.

Left time to think and visualise what my next chapter looks like.

Posted reaffirming messages on all my social channels (starting with Instagram).

“If you try to do anything new, there will be gatekeepers telling you you don’t belong. You didn’t say the right thing. You didn’t look the right way. Just do the work and let them police their patch of aging grass.”

“Those who are going to judge have judged already. Those who really matter never will.”

What now

It’s possible. Its possible to survive this experience. I am sure many have. But I carry it as my badge of honor. That I came out of this a better version of myself. I look back and tell myself, “I could have… I could have… But I didn’t. I stayed strong. I worked hard and I survived a toxic boss.”

I survived a toxic boss.